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Cecil Lawson
27 December 2012 @ 08:24 pm
I miss snow.
The local weather forecast had predicted colder weather and a small amount of snow accumulation yesterday, but it did not come to pass.  The weather has turned colder, seasonal, but what little snow there was melted as it hit the ground.  I drove through snow on the way home from the town of Carlisle, about 30 miles, but I actually ran out of the snow before I arrived.  Disappointing.  Throughout the day today, I watched a small amount of sleet float down from the slate gray sky.  At least it's cold.
In July, when it was beginning to get hot and humid, as it always does in Kentucky, I had a messy break-up with my girlfiend.  There was a summer festival in Carlisle, where I lived with her at the time.  For too long our personality differences dominated our relationship.  While I was willing to give and go along, she was not.  She took my attempts as a consideration as a sign of weakness, and that in time killed the relationship.  It all came to a head during the festival.  For three straight evenings I had to stay in Owingsville and Frenchburg, covering meetings for the newspaper.  I would get home around 9 p.m., to find her enjoying the festival with her sister and her friend K.  Her grandmother would bring a lawn chair and sit on the sidewalk and enjoy the crowd and the live music, while T. (the girlfriend) ran with her sister and K.  I would walk from the house to town and stop by and chat with her grandmother, waiting for her to show up.  She would eventually stop by for a few minutes, say a few pleasantries, then leave again to go hang with her sister or K.  She never seemed to miss me.  She wasn't happy to see me.  I endured being ignored for the first night, but the second and third nights I went back home.  Both times, she came back home and asked why I was mad.  She couldn't understand how I felt, and she was unwilling to put herself in my place.  On the third night we argued.  There was a lot of yelling and screaming on my part.  It wasn't the first time I had done that. I was tired of being hurt by her callousness (on which she prided herself).  She eventually asked me to leave.  For a moment I hesistated, but then I realized that it really was time to go - this bad relationship had gone on for almost a year, and I was confused and exhausted with it.  I began packing up everything I owned and cramming it into my car.  At some point during my packing she had contacted K., who came over and acted all protective of her.  K. would later try and encourage me to get back together with T.  I was open to it, but T. was not.  I was covered with sweat by the time I had my car packed, shortly after midnight.  I had damaged my eyeglasses after hitting the door earlier while carrying out a heavy box out, and now they lay crooked across my eyes despite my best effort to straighten them.  I told her as I handed her my key, "If this is what you want, I won't be coming back."  She didn't say anything.   My heart ached for days and days after.  It was remained hot, and the weather turned to drought condidtions and remained that way for the rest of the summer.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was free of her.  It has taken me this long to do so, with the coming of winter.  We work together, we still talk, we are even friends to a certain extent, but I could not deal with her emotional distance and callousness. 
I prefer the coldness of nature, not of the heart.
 
 
Cecil Lawson
16 December 2012 @ 12:55 am
I'm annoyed.  I agreed to help out my friend and secretary at the office to type up "Dear Santa" letters for this coming week.  I had planned on using today to get caught up with writing my news stories from the last few days, but the letters wound up taking the entire day to finish. 
I am able to be flexible enough with my time to be able to get caught up with my own work in the days before deadline, but that's not the issue.  I have entirely lost cotrol of any personal time because of this job.  Weekends are no longer weekends.  The sense of time off, of being off the job, has completely disappeared in the nearly two years I've been here. 
This has got to stop. 
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Current Mood: refreshedrefreshed
 
 
Cecil Lawson
13 December 2012 @ 11:42 pm
My return to blogging.  I missed it gravely, though these days I get paid to write as a newspaper reporter.  How long has it been since I posted on LiveJournal?   1 year and 9 months.
I've been needing a writing outlet that isn't a private journal, but also which isn't exactly what I do for the newspaper reading public.  Some place to shape thoughts and feelings into words and to share pictures and the like. 
My inner landscape has changed significantly, yet there is continuity.  It will be interesting to see what shape it take here. 
That's all for tonight. 
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Cecil Lawson
23 March 2011 @ 09:40 pm

 

I feel like I've been involuntarily moving all day, so it felt good to slip under the blanket of night under my own power with Max. Already the approaching cold air is making itself known. The evening sky is veiled under a gauzy wrap of clouds, but I can still make out Orion and The Great Bear hanging above. Max always stops at a certain curve in the road to watch, listen, and sniff, and I joined him tonight, giving up insisting that he move along. The little frogs earnestly chirped behind us as we scanned the darkness beyond. We met several young people out on the road on their own forays in the night. Life moves amidst life, even under starlight.

 


 
 
Cecil Lawson
21 March 2011 @ 10:26 pm

This has been a long day, and I'm glad to be home, unwinding.  I don't have Max with me tonight, and I really missed him when I took a walk this evening.  The warm temperatures linger at night, and the clouds have finally, after several days of effort, covered the moon.  I met a couple of neighbors out walking down the road as well; we exchanged a brief hello in the darkness.  A rabbit was startled and bounded along the fencerow for several yards before making an abrupt right angle and disappearing into the thick darkness of the field.  In the distance a horse whinnied for no apparent reason. 

Most of my afternoon was spent sitting and waiting at the urologist's office.  I got in fairly quickly, but as usual there is so much waiting before tests and procedures.  Fortunately today, I snagged the late Robert B. Parker's last Spenser novel, Painted Ladies, from the library, and that kept me engrossed.  Regardless, the waiting takes a toll on a body, and as I sit here and type, I feel exhausted.  As it turns out, my tests came back clear, and another ultrasound of my kidneys revealed no blockages (I still have a stone in my right kidney, but it's not causing problems).  The doctor told me to keep up with my medicine and diet and to see him again in three months.  I've already lost 13 pounds in a little over three weeks, so it has a double benefit. 

After so many years, I find myself slowly emerging from a self-imposed internal exile.  After my wife passed away going on six years ago,  I quietly retreated into a very narrow place inside, devoting myself to my dissertation work and not doing very much to really enjoy myself.  A series of events over the last couple of years - finishing with school, moving back to Kentucky, working with the Census, making new friends and getting back in touch with old friends, and getting to live alone for a time - have slowly, painfully drawn me back out in the light of day.  My eyes have had a hard time adjusting.  I have come to see what a pinched sort of life I've been living, and it is time to spread the proverbial wings. 

 
 
Cecil Lawson
19 March 2011 @ 10:03 pm

The air was crisp, and this night's Super Moon gently pierced the hazy clouds.  My bare and balding head was chilling instead of radiating heat from the sunburn like it did last night.  Numerous encounters with sounds from all corners - frogs (two different varieties now), ATVs, voices from neighbors, yapping dogs, and at least four shots from a pistol in the valley behind the house.  Max was not terribly happy about the latter - it might as well be thunder to his delicate ears.  The right amount of traffic for an unusually bright Saturday night.  We have been able to feel the Solstice approaching for some days now, and it will be grandly welcomed by all who have tried and made tired by the long winter.  This is my favorite time of the season, the small pocket of days between winter and spring, before the balance tips toward sustained warmth and sunlight.  Max and I settle in for the night, me to an orange and blues on the radio, and my pal to his treats and well-loved comforter. 
 
 
Cecil Lawson
18 March 2011 @ 10:31 pm

A rain shower made our walk tonight a short one.  The frogs are in their element and happy.  Max does not like sudden rain storms or lightning or thunder, but he was a trooper.  The damp night air was fresh and full of ozone, gifts of spring.  A suprising amount of traffic in Preston for a rainy night, but it has been like that all day - people out enjoying the warm weather.  I got a sunburned head today despite the clouds; I blame my recent haircut.  Time for some green tea and French jazz for me and a needed nap for Max.
 
 
Cecil Lawson
17 March 2011 @ 10:52 pm

It was much too warm for a jacket tonight – I was bathed in alternating currents of warm and cool breezes, the comfort of a spring evening.  The sky remained covered with high, hazy clouds, and they magnified the light of the nearly-full moon, which turned the landscape into a dim version of its daily face.  Neighbors arrived at home or left for work or points unknown.  Max was incredibly distracted the entire length of our walk, searching after something beyond the bounds of my perception.  The peeper choruses returned, but the kick of a stray stone set them all to immediate silence, wary until we passed by.  My own thoughts wandered, too, in a circle, back round to the necessity of being gentle with myself even when the rest of the world does not.

 


 
 
Cecil Lawson
17 March 2011 @ 08:47 pm

Today was the first truly spring-like day; everything before was a prelude.  The sun's warmth was penetrating, and it lingered until nearly sunset.  I was able to sit on the back deck this afternoon and on the front porch this evening. 

All around the birds were singing, trading solos in their ensemble play.  I walked by two different ponds tdoay, and in both there was splashing and plopping aplenty, either frogs or newly awakened fishes.  The first little purple irises were blooming just up the road.  Children ran and played at the neighbor's houses. 

The sky remained veiled in light clouds all throughout the day, but the largest bank eventually pushed through by mid-afternoon, leaving a bright and hazy dome above. 


 
 
Cecil Lawson
16 March 2011 @ 10:37 pm

Waxing moon in a clear sky; neighbor's dog out barking at us; near-spring chill; idling semi-truck off-loading propane at the storage facility; longer, slower chirps from peepers.